How can someone with anxiety be loved? I ask myself that question every. single. day. At a moment in history when we’re being told that anxiety is more common than we think, it seems that I am surrounded by people who aren’t personally affected by it. And that makes me feel hard to love, even hard to like.
I think I was always anxious. I think it started affecting the way I looked at myself and relationships when I was cheated on the first time. One thing; people don’t understand the impact of cheating if they haven’t experienced it. It's not just trust issues. Another thing; In my experience, people don’t understand the impact that not only one, but three consecutive cheating relationships has on a person’s mental state, self image, ability to trust, and easiness in making and keeping relationships unless it's happened to them. And this is when sympathy matters the most, people. But it's not their fault, people don't know how to begin to understand something they don't personally experience.
But Derrian, why not just send this in a mass text to all the people in your life? BECAUSE! I hope this helps other people too! People with anxiety! People who know someone with anxiety and don't know what it's like! I wish I had someone sharing their anxious thoughts online. Oh wait, I do. Her name is Caroline Calloway. She's my idol, and the person who inspired me to start sharing the good and bad things in my life, because whether you're having a good or bad day, the feeling of togetherness is always a mood-picker-upper...I will be patenting that phrase. ANYWAYS, here we go.
I don't know how it started but all I know is that my anxiety is here now. And sometimes this word will come up in a conversation with my friends or my family or a guy I'm talking to. The word will be greeted with a passive “I understand” only to be ignored after that. Or maybe a short conversation, but one that only brushes the surface. Anxiety isn't something we talk about. But why? Let's talk about it!
Because anxiety is not just a word. It's not a casual word like "tissue." "I have anxiety" shouldn't be treated as casually as "I love Beyonce." It doesn't fix itself with a simple swish of the wand of someone you love saying they "get it." Because if they did, they wouldn't tell you they "get it." But it's what people say when they think they get it, or they want to get it, or they just want the person to stop fucking talking about it. But I can't stop talking about anxiety anymore because it's eating away at me.
Anxiety, much like depression, is different for everyone. I cannot say that for everyone anxiety is being confident and completely unconfident simultaneously. But for me it is. Sometimes anxiety shows on the person's physical being and other times it's all psychological. Sometimes anxiety pairs with other things like depression, in my case that is also true. For me anxiety is something that has both fueled and held back my potential to become someone successful. And frankly, I just find that odd.
Anxiety for me specifically is saying hi to people I know from high school. Or getting so nervous talking to people that I can’t look at them in the eyes and therefore stare at the air conditioning vent in the ceiling or the windows behind them. Anxiety is worrying about SATS in October of freshman year in high school and feeling physically ill from worrying. It's not being able to look at photos of me from junior year in high school because I felt so nervous about my future that I stopped eating.
It's panic attacks while on vacation.
Anxiety for me is sometimes stretching the truth a tiny bit but not understanding why. Anxiety for me is thinking that getting to the airport 6 hours ahead isn’t enough time. It's sitting in front of a suitcase and a mess of rolled up clothes but not being able to pack them. Just sitting there panicking.
Anxiety for me is thinking that one small change of wording or punctuation in a text message means a permanent change of the relationship I have with the person sending it. It's misreading and misunderstanding. It's legitimately worrying when I don't need to. It's thinking I'm not doing enough for the people I love and then overcompensating for it. It's staying up all night stressing to make sure the text I sent doesn't piss the other person off, even if the text wasn't negative.
Anxiety is being so plagued by the thought of death that I needed to start taking sleeping pills just to get at least 3 hours of sleep because the thoughts wouldn't shut off; it’s getting up at night to rush to the bathroom because I think I’m going to puke just thinking about the fact that one day my parents will not be alive. Anxiety is worrying when I don't hear from loved ones for a few hours after they said they'd text me, or when they aren't answering their phone. Anxiety growing up was not being able to sleep and pacing back and forth in my kitchen until my mom got home safe from visiting my grandpa in the hospital. Anxiety is shaking right now as I realize how far my anxiety dates back.
Anxiety is not being able to speak while my mom comforted me after I had a panic attack on the couch one night from, you guessed it, folks! Thoughts about death. Anxiety for me is stressing the act of planning and organizing to the point where I end up accomplishing nothing. Anxiety is procrastinating.
Anxiety is second guessing standing up for myself; it’s saying “this is what I meant” to soften something I say when I think I sound too harsh, even when the harsh things I said are really how I feel. Anxiety is not understanding that being truthful with people doesn’t always mean they’re going to leave. Anxiety is being afraid of losing people for just speaking my mind. Anxiety is sometimes taking back something I said I needed in fear that I'll burden or lose another person. It's sacrificing self care as to not overload someone I love with my emotions.
Anxiety is plaguing a guy I’m dating with questions, sometimes multiple of the same in one day about if we’re okay and if I’m fucking insane. Telling him he can leave if it gets to be too much, but hoping he'll stay. Anxiety makes relationships fucking hard. Anxiety and trust issues. Trust issues are thinking everyone is same and then almost convincing yourself that they are. It’s being a hopeless romantic while also being a stubborn nonbeliever. Anxiety and trust issues make you feel crazy even though you know you're right.
Anxiety and trust issues aren't a good mix. Sometimes trust issues are anxiety.
Anxiety is having to explain what I need from people who don’t understand it enough to realize how big of a deal what I’m asking of them is and just give it to me. I get angry when they think they have a better way to handle it. But sometimes, I'm too afraid to speak my fucking mind and tell them no.
Anxiety is feeling like a burden. Unlovable. Tired. In physical and mental pain. Naive. A joke. Psychotic. Confused. Scared.
I have days where I just worry, about everything or nothing at all. I replay scenarios in my mind that I know would never happen, but I worry nonetheless. I pull myself away from people I love the most, but I can't help it!
Anxiety is being afraid of one day bringing a child into the world because I don’t know how I'll handle that life change.
It is the most terrifying experience I've been faced with to date. I'm moving to another country in 2 months and even that isn't as daunting as waking up every morning worrying.
I've never been faced with a more difficult task than trying to explain my anxiety to the people I care about. I can't explain it though! I can't explain it without wanting to cry or feeling like I'm explaining it terribly wrong and immediately wanting to take it all back or feeling like I'm being judged because I know there are people that don't believe anxiety exists.
This feeling of drowning in my words, not being able to pull myself out long enough to catch my breath, gather my thoughts and explain my feelings has more than once brought thoughts of suicide to my mind. And that's a terrifying fucking feeling because I don't want to leave this earth! I want to live and thrive and grow this blog that has connected me with so many people since I started it!
And in continuing in being open and honest about my struggles and my feelings, I wanted to talk about my anxiety. I've tried talking about it more, specifically when it's bothering me the most.
Some may feel this is oversharing, but in my experience, speaking openly helps me and helps others, and I think I get my point across much better when I'm writing sometimes. So this is it! It sucks! And I want it all to be gone! And it will be one day! I just need to keep working on it! I just need to keep talking about it! The best thing to do is talk about it, but it's so incredibly hard when the people you need to understand...can't. But I'm going to try my best! And I hope you do too! Yay for struggles and bumps in the road! Let's overcome it all.
Love you all! Thank you for reading! I can't wait to be openly candid more and more. It helps me, and it helps you (I hope!)
xxx
Derrian
