Nobody tells you that after graduation, there will be moments...many moments...when you will feel at sea. You’ll feel lost, without any sense of direction, wondering all along if the path you chose was the right one. A teacher described it perfectly to me when I took the first chance I got to go back to my high school. I walked the halls that once seemed so scary, but eventually started feeling like home. The shortcuts I had taken when I knew I would be late for class led me to my senior year Forensics classroom, and to my garden-tending, pesto-making, costume-sewing Forensics teacher. After defeatedly and over dramatically throwing myself into the desk where I spent many 55-minute class periods sneaking text messages behind textbooks and sprawling out what seemed like full 3 course meals, I began to vent to the woman who taught me how to secure a crime scene and dust for fingerprints. She was used to my constant rants, and even though she’ll never admit it, I think she missed them. “Derrian, you feel lost because you’ve lost all sense of structure.” That was it...besides the literal bricks and cement of my high school walls, the hellhole I so desperately wished to get out of held a sort of invisible structure. The structure that came from the first period bell, the alertness in class necessary to obtain the information to ace the test, the daunting task of additional work that came after the long line of traffic filled with students eager to leave the building we all agreed was hell on earth. All those years of having to ask to go to the bathroom, and raise your hand to answer a question you are confident you know the answer to all goes to waste, suddenly, it’s as if you're now an adult, and you're expected to make real life decisions, all on your own. Needless to say, it was a bone shaking realization. Nobody tells you that after graduation, you will doubt yourself, your path, your beliefs, and your morals. But, they also don’t tell you that this is the most incredible time of your life. This is the time for self discovery. It’s the time to get lost in the city you’re trying to get to know, it’s getting up late and learning a lesson from it, it’s about realizing the types of people you wish to surround yourself with. This time is about making your own structure, finding what works for you, not what someone says will work for you. So, make mistakes, my loves. Take the wrong subway, wake up late, eat a little more than you should, let go of people who aren’t changing your life for the better, learn what works for you. Become confident, and independent, and strong. At times, you will feel lost, but as cliche as all this sounds, one must be lost to be found. Make your own structure, if you don't like something, change it, because you have that ability now. What nobody tells you about graduating is that it is okay to make mistakes if you embrace those mistakes. You will live and learn, and that’s all a part of finding your true self.
xoxo,
Derrian
